Jr. NBA updates drills to better reflect skills needed for modern basketball

The dozens of nerdy middle-aged men who hastily log into the Jr. NBA website in an attempt to impress their step kids will soon see an updated set of drills for young basketball players.  After an in-depth review of what it takes to become a professional star in the modern era, the website felt a major overhaul was needed.  “Videos drills on dribbling, passing, shooting--that all had to go,” Adam Silver ...

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NBA requires Mike Breen to complete gun safety course before yelling ‘Bang!’

NBA requires Mike Breen to complete gun safety course before yelling ‘Bang!’

Because you can’t be too careful dealing with firearms, the NBA has informed ESPN play-by-play man Mike Breen that he must complete a gun safety course before ever yelling 'Bang!' again. “Research shows the NBA audience is a bit more delicate and sensitive than the horrible people who watch the NFL or competitive sailing, for example,” Commissioner Adam Silver said.  “Mike is sitting back, screaming ‘BANG!’ all game long, and our ...

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NBA honors only remaining guy watching by painting his name on court

NBA honors only remaining guy watching by painting his name on court

When NBA officials learned that 19-year-old Kevin Peterson was their last remaining television viewer, all the players quickly dove onto the court with paint scrapers and frantically removed the words “Black Lives Matters”.  In its place, “Kevin Peterson” was painted on in an effort to honor their last audience member. "I've always said, my job is to shut up and dribble,” LeBron told the press once he learned his next contract ...

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Nuggets’ Toughness Questioned After Arena Renamed ‘Tampax Center’

Nuggets’ Toughness Questioned After Arena Renamed ‘Tampax Center’

Many throughout the NBA are taking notice of the Denver Nuggets' lack of toughness following the renaming of their arena to the Tampax Center. “I don’t like it.  Not one bit.  We’ve totally lost our home-court advantage,” Coach Mike Malone told the media.  “Now we can hear opposing teams yell things like, ‘Come on, guys, you want to lose in a place called the Tampax Center?’ and we’re getting everyone’s A-game.”  ...

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Steve Javie pops-in broadcast to remind viewers referees’ perfect streak of correct calls continues

Steve Javie pops-in broadcast to remind viewers referees’ perfect streak of correct calls continues

Fans were outraged again when former NBA referee, Steve Javie, interrupted the final moments of the Grizzlies/76ers game to remind the audience that the perfect streak of correct calls from referees continues. As usual, the ESPN crew summoned Javie to speak after a controversial call.  “Ok, take a look at Memphis guard, Dillon Brooks,” Javie commented over the slow-motion replay.  “After beginning to heave a three-pointer, he realizes he doesn’t know how ...

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A determined Marcus Smart studies film of wavy arm inflatable guys before big game

A determined Marcus Smart studies film of wavy arm inflatable guys before big game

Marcus Smart is not leaving anything to chance before the Celtics big game versus the Miami Heat tonight.  Per his request, team video coordinators have compiled ten hours of those big wavy arm inflatable guys to better prepare the shooting guard for battle. “I’m a tough guy.  Someone who’s willing to fall down on any given play.  You wrote down that I’m tough, right?” Smart asked the media.  “Coach Stevens wants ...

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NBA’s Chain Net Night leaves 14 players wounded, 3 dead

NBA’s Chain Net Night leaves 14 players wounded, 3 dead

Chain Net Night has been added to the regular season as the NBA continues to search for sponsorship opportunities.  The special night, which was sponsored by Smirnoff Ice, debuted with the Clippers and Nuggets, each trying to score the ball through a rusty chain net. “We wanted some more money---err, I mean, we wanted to bring a more playground feel to the game, and I think we accomplished that,” Adam Silver ...

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“The next time I hear someone worth less than 30 million say the NBA’s ratings are in trouble, I’m going to throw my tiara at them,” a fuming Cuban tweeted in a recent rant. His on-line rant was a result of Friday night’s Lakers/Rockets being the second least viewed program mid-way through the 3rd quarter. After it was announced that only TLC’s Sex Sent Me To The ER ranked lower, dozens of NBA fans flipped over to catch the end of the TLC show, sinking Lakers/Rockets to rock bottom. “Listen up, idiots. The NBA losing 45% viewership is actually a good thing!” he began. “The only people we lost are probably white supremacists! And anyone who questions anything about the NBA is also a white supremacist! My research shows ordinary people spend all day playing games, and they want to unwind by listening to controversial political platitudes from highschool educated athletes. And to the executives at State Farm, American Express and T-Mobil trying to get out of your sponsorship deals—YOU’RE JUST DOING THAT BECAUSE YOU’RE A BUNCH OF WHITE SUPREMACISTS!” An hour later, the NBA addressed Cuban’s controversial tweets by saying: “The NBA is a loving, welcoming, and tolerant institution. We want everyone to watch our games. However, anyone who is not watching our product and/or disagrees with our overtly political messaging, we think you’re just being a huge white supremacist.” Update: All US airports have struck a deal with the league to become the official broadcast partner of the NBA.

Mark Cuban: ‘NBA ratings down 45% is actually a good thing’

“The next time I hear someone worth less than 30 million say the NBA’s ratings are in trouble, I’m going to throw my tiara at them,” a fuming Cuban tweeted in a recent rant. His on-line rant was a result of Friday night’s Lakers/Rockets being the second least viewed program mid-way through the 3rd quarter.  After it was announced that only TLC’s Sex Sent Me To The ER ranked lower, dozens ...

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J.R. Smith pledged $1000 to charity for each touchdown he scores this season

A touching but bizarre gesture was made by Lakers guard J.R. Smith on Instagram over the weekend.  “I’ve decided that I will donate $1,000 for each touchdown I score this season.  And that’s a promise,” a shirtless Smith said while squinting a great deal into his phone.  “There’s a lot of jokers out there that say they’ll help, but they lack the smarts to make a real difference.  I know I ...

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Gannis getting tampered with

NBA asks Rob Pelinka to stop tampering with Giannis while he’s on free throw line

The Orlando restart has everyone in the NBA excited to return to their job.  But Lakers’ GM Rob Pelinka might be the most excited to resume his special talent:  Getting caught tampering. During the Milwaukee Bucks scrimmage against the Spurs, Pelinka became unable to control himself as Antetokounmpo made his first trip to the free-throw line.  “Hey, wow!  Crazy to bump into you like this, Giannis,” Pelinka said briskly skipping onto the ...

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