Sorry excuse for an NBA player fails to get triple-double

It was quite the embarrassing performance Saturday night when Jimmy Butler Failed to record a triple-double.  Despite winning the game and getting 32 points, he was unable to achieve what really matters— having a cool-looking stat line. “I want to apologize to my teammates, ownership, the fans, and even God himself,” Butler said hanging his head in obvious shame.  “Tomorrow I will comb through the game tape and determine which teammates ...

Read More

Steve Kerr spends time out reminding all his players to be hall of famers

For the seventh game in a row, Steve Kerr was forced to use all of his timeouts in the first quarter to remind all the Warriors to be hall of famers.  “These players are deliberately disobeying me,” Kerr said after another loss.  “Tonight’s game plan was very simple.  Everyone be a generational talent, rebound, and everyone be hall of famers.  I was screaming that all night.  Maybe it’s my fault.  Maybe ...

Read More
Draymond green makes shot

Draymond Green Makes Shot

In a game against the Sacramento Kings, Warriors forward Draymond Green made a shot. While a made field goal is technically a non-reviewable play, the officials, the Kings, and even Steve Kerr insisted on taking a peek at the monitor to confirm. The Chase Center crowd quietly stared at the massive screen as slow-motion footage played of the basketball seemingly leave Green’s hands and mysteriously maneuver into the inside of the ...

Read More

Pelicans’ alternate jerseys trick New Orleans sports fans into watching NBA game

The New Orleans Pelicans have been caught manipulated their ‘City Edition’ jerseys to look like the New Orleans Saints football team. “It was a shameless ploy designed to interrupt Louisiana’s long-held tradition of not watching NBA basketball,” said former Saints QB Bobby Herbert.  “I accidentally watched the whole first quarter!  Everyone was offsides and their running game was pure crap.” We’ll get to the fans’ reactions, but first, let’s review how the ...

Read More

City of Philadelphia now forbids Danny Green from practicing on public hoops

The city of Philadelphia has formally prohibited 76er shooting guard Danny Green from practicing on any public hoops.  The announcement was made shortly after the NBA player arrived at Markward Park on Saturday.   Green shot several wild attempts blowing massive holes straight through four backboards and one of his shots badly injured a citizen at a neighboring park.    “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said onlooker Joel Burton.  “At first ...

Read More

Pacers’ director of accounting to double as small forward

On Monday, the Indiana Pacers coaching staff made their annual stroll through the corporate offices to see the new crop of talent.  Much to Pacers fans' irritation, the tradition is the creative payroll savings strategy which forces office workers to also take up a roster spot. Pushing office furniture aside, coach Nate Bjorkgren blew his whistle, prompting the employees to sprint across the building.  “Let’s go, ladies!  Especially you ladies from ...

Read More

Paul George: ‘Doc Rivers told me to hit the side of the backboard’

On the Smoking Drugs Is Cool podcast with Stephen Jackson and Matt Barnes, Paul George told the hosts it was Doc Rivers who told him to hit the side of the backboard with his three-point attempt. “So it was game seven, right?  And in the huddle, I asked my teammates if they remembered that Gatorade commercial where I hit the game-winner,” Paul George told the hosts.  “I said, I spent all ...

Read More

Cavaliers try to pay player salaries in swords

Some exciting news for Cavaliers players was announced this week as owner Dan Gilbert decided to pay all players in old-timey medieval swards again.  Gilbert, who has not interacted with his employees since being contractually obligated to give three high-fives during a 2016 championship ceremony, sat quietly above the practice facility to watch the players' reactions to the news. “Look at them.  They’re delirious with joy,” Gilbert said, watching like a gargoyle.  ...

Read More

NBA fines Thunder $65,000 for repeatedly trading their own 1st round picks back and forth to themselves

The NBA has fined the Oklahoma City Thunder $65,000 for repeatedly calling the league office and requesting to swap their own first-round picks back to themselves.  “Hey guys, it’s Sam Presti.  We’d like you to record a trade we just finalized,” The OKC general manager said on his first call to NBA headquarters.  “Yeah, we’ve made a real doozy of a deal.  Maybe my best one yet.  We’ve decided to part ...

Read More

Daryl Morey revamps 76ers court with lava pits to discourage mid-range shots

After years of pleading with coaches and players, Daryl Morey’s teams still find a way to shoot those pesky, inefficient mid-range two-point attempts.  In his last year with Houston, his Rockets players jacked-up a whopping three attempts that were neither a three-pointer nor dunk.  Naturally, this caused the collapse of the franchise, and Morey was forced to move on. “The same mistake won’t be made in Philadelphia,” Morey explained as he ...

Read More