NBA requires Mike Breen to complete gun safety course before yelling ‘Bang!’
Because you can’t be too careful dealing with firearms, the NBA has informed ESPN play-by-play man Mike Breen that he must complete a gun safety course before ever yelling ‘Bang!’ again.
“Research shows the NBA audience is a bit more delicate and sensitive than the horrible people who watch the NFL or competitive sailing, for example,” Commissioner Adam Silver said. “Mike is sitting back, screaming ‘BANG!’ all game long, and our fans’ anxiety levels are off the charts. They get all riled up, their hearts are beating—and God knows this isn’t because of our games.”
On his twelfth attempt, Breen passed the course in his home state of New York. “Wow. Working with an actual firearm is a lot more dangerous than just yelling ‘bang,’” the announcer explained. “I promise to be far less wreckless yelling my catchphrase than I was at the Yonkers Gun Safety School. I only shot one instructor. He’s recovering well, but I’m not welcome back after I offered to yell ‘puts it in!’ should his casket need to be lowered into the ground.”
Sadly for everyone, the NBA has informed Mike Breen that he must pass a gun safety course in every state which has an NBA team. “We’ve learned that Mike is incredibly dangerous with a firearm, so we understand the bloodbath that’s coming to many regions around the country,” Silver said. “But we’re taking every precaution as Mike is known as the Gilbert Arenas of the announcer world.”
On a related note, Kevin Harlen is now forbidden to yell, “He’s a flamethrower,” due to the violence it may suggest towards the LGBTQ community.