NBA requires Mike Breen to complete gun safety course before yelling ‘Bang!’

NBA requires Mike Breen to complete gun safety course before yelling ‘Bang!’

Because you can’t be too careful dealing with firearms, the NBA has informed ESPN play-by-play man Mike Breen that he must complete a gun safety course before ever yelling 'Bang!' again. “Research shows the NBA audience is a bit more delicate and sensitive than the horrible people who watch the NFL or competitive sailing, for example,” Commissioner Adam Silver said.  “Mike is sitting back, screaming ‘BANG!’ all game long, and our ...

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“The next time I hear someone worth less than 30 million say the NBA’s ratings are in trouble, I’m going to throw my tiara at them,” a fuming Cuban tweeted in a recent rant. His on-line rant was a result of Friday night’s Lakers/Rockets being the second least viewed program mid-way through the 3rd quarter. After it was announced that only TLC’s Sex Sent Me To The ER ranked lower, dozens of NBA fans flipped over to catch the end of the TLC show, sinking Lakers/Rockets to rock bottom. “Listen up, idiots. The NBA losing 45% viewership is actually a good thing!” he began. “The only people we lost are probably white supremacists! And anyone who questions anything about the NBA is also a white supremacist! My research shows ordinary people spend all day playing games, and they want to unwind by listening to controversial political platitudes from highschool educated athletes. And to the executives at State Farm, American Express and T-Mobil trying to get out of your sponsorship deals—YOU’RE JUST DOING THAT BECAUSE YOU’RE A BUNCH OF WHITE SUPREMACISTS!” An hour later, the NBA addressed Cuban’s controversial tweets by saying: “The NBA is a loving, welcoming, and tolerant institution. We want everyone to watch our games. However, anyone who is not watching our product and/or disagrees with our overtly political messaging, we think you’re just being a huge white supremacist.” Update: All US airports have struck a deal with the league to become the official broadcast partner of the NBA.

Mark Cuban: ‘NBA ratings down 45% is actually a good thing’

“The next time I hear someone worth less than 30 million say the NBA’s ratings are in trouble, I’m going to throw my tiara at them,” a fuming Cuban tweeted in a recent rant. His on-line rant was a result of Friday night’s Lakers/Rockets being the second least viewed program mid-way through the 3rd quarter.  After it was announced that only TLC’s Sex Sent Me To The ER ranked lower, dozens ...

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A young Rachel Nichols once wrote paper defending Dennis Rodman’s mid-season drug-fueled Vegas rampage

A young Rachel Nichols once wrote paper defending Dennis Rodman’s mid-season drug-fueled Vegas rampage

If you think player empowerment is new, you’ve not met ESPN’s The Jump host, Rachel Nichols.  Rachel is often criticized for being too pro-player and a recently discovered childhood school paper will likely add fuel to those flames.  As Dennis Rodman’s infamous mid-season ‘vacation’ away from the Bulls was happening, a young Rachel Nichols was right on brand:  Defending the player. In a school paper that was supposed to be about the ...

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Report: NBA League Pass support team finally has good excuse for why subscribers can’t see games

Report: NBA League Pass support team finally has good excuse for why subscribers can’t see games

With the season on hiatus, the NBA has little to be thankful for.  But a new report is showing a bright spot for the technologically challenged league.  As every single basketball game is canceled, the support team over at League Pass finally has a logical reason for why subscribers can’t watch games. “Before the virus, every night would be the same thing: everyone screaming at us because they can’t watch their ...

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Utah Sports Fans Thrilled To Watch 10-Hour Documentary On Jazz Failure

Utah Sports Fans Thrilled To Watch 10-Hour Documentary On Jazz Failure

The great people of Utah are used to being showered with blessings.  And as they tune in to ESPN’s 10-hour documentary on the Jazz losing the 1998 NBA Finals, they can add another blessing to the pile.  “My friends and family have been so eager to bring back Jazz basketball when we heard there was a huge NBA show on Sunday I had just one question:  Are our beloved Utah Jazz ...

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NBA raitings down because racism

NBA Blames Low Ratings on Racism

The NBA has a ratings problem.  This season ABC, ESPN and TNT are seeing a 22% drop and league experts know exactly why. “Easy answer.  Racism,” Jackie MacMullan explained.  “Unlike previous years, NBA fans are now flipping on the TV to watch some exciting basketball and many of them are now going, like, ‘What?!  What in the name of Coldplay is going on around here? Minority members?’ and then research shows they’re flipping to Dawson’s Creek reruns we ...

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NBA players get tougher once retired

New Study Shows Moment NBA Player Retires They Become 72% Tougher, Grittier Than Active Players

A new study paid for by TNT’s Inside The NBA has discovered that when an NBA player retires, they immediately become 72% tougher and grittier than active players. Even more significant, when an NBA player combines retirement with a broadcasting gig, they become a whopping 130% tougher and grittier. This study seemed to bear out when the Inside team had special guest and recently retired Mo Williams on.  That night a fairly significant fight broke out between Joel Embiid and Karl-Anthony Towns and ...

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