Some exciting news for Cavaliers players was announced this week as owner Dan Gilbert decided to pay all players in old-timey medieval swards again.
Gilbert, who has not interacted with his employees since being contractually obligated to give three high-fives during a 2016 championship ceremony, sat quietly above the practice facility to watch the players’ reactions to the news.
“Look at them. They’re delirious with joy,” Gilbert said, watching like a gargoyle. “They’re literally jumping around and throwing things. I haven’t seen the guys this happy since I began charging them for parking.”
“Twenty-nine other teams are giving the same old, boring cash this year. My guys? No way,” Gilbert told the press. “These swords are actually replicas of the ones used in Walt Disney’s 1993 The Three Musketeers, one can assume. So, I’ll ask you, media members, would you rather have an NBA max salary or something priceless?”
Despite the announcement, a heated exchange between Gilbert and the players finally erupted following the press conference.
“What is wrong with you?! We don’t want freaking swords!” screamed Collin Sexton.
“I know this isn’t ideal,” Gilbert said, trying to ease tensions. “But I just can’t give you guns. I’ve looked into it.”
At that time, most of the Cavs roster charged the owner with their swords.