After years of pleading with coaches and players, Daryl Morey’s teams still find a way to shoot those pesky, inefficient mid-range two-point attempts.  In his last year with Houston, his Rockets players jacked-up a whopping three attempts that were neither a three-pointer nor dunk.  Naturally, this caused the collapse of the franchise, and Morey was forced to move on.

“The same mistake won’t be made in Philadelphia,” Morey explained as he showed the press his new court design.

“Now, when a player gets a hankering for a long two pointer, he’ll be swallowed up by bubbling lava with the heat of a thousand suns!”

“But what if a player dies?” a media member yelled shielding their face from the heat.

“We would file for a disabled player exception immediately.  It would be the responsible thing to do,” Morey calmly said.

“Well, how would a 76er get into the lane?” another reporter asked.

“And pass up a three-pointer?  Why?  I don’t even want to think about something so awful happening to one of my players,” Morey snapped.  “The thing about me is, I love all my players.  Without my players, who would I trade?”

Even more tension arose when someone explained to the Sixers’ GM that his new lava booby-trapped court would also guarantee his opponents would also only shoot threes, thus negating any advantage.

“EFFFF! I can’t win with the basketball gods!  I’ve had it—I’ll be your sacrifice!” Morey screamed before throwing himself into the lava.

“Human sacrifices don’t work in Philly–Sam Hinkie already tried that!” yelled a reporter.