When NBA officials learned that 19-year-old Kevin Peterson was their last remaining television viewer, all the players quickly dove onto the court with paint scrapers and frantically removed the words “Black Lives Matters”.  In its place, “Kevin Peterson” was painted on in an effort to honor their last audience member.

“I’ve always said, my job is to shut up and dribble,” LeBron told the press once he learned his next contract would be under fourteen dollars.  

The news gets even worse for the NBA.  State Farm, the league’s largest advertiser, pulled all its television ads and opted to just send a local agent over to Kevin’s house.

“Hello, Mr. Peterson, would you be interested in signing up for State Farm insurance?” the insurance agent asked him on his porch.

“Nah, my dad handles all that stuff,” Kevin informed.

“Ok, thank you,” the agent said as State Farm saved themselves 312 million dollars.

At this grim juncture, NBA officials believe they have two options to save their multi-billion operation.  One option is to grow their audience by providing a compelling product for both Democrats and Republicans.  The other is to send someone over to Kevin’s house to ask for a five billion lump sum.

Naturally, the NBA opted fort he latter.

“Five Billion?  You’ll have to ask my dad,” Kevin told Commissioner Adam Silver