In the season restart in Orlando, the NBA has announced all players will be required to deliver a short speech on race relations between all free throws.  The decision was made by LeBron James via tweet and the league office agreed to his demands with a press release twenty-two seconds later.

According to the press release, after a player attempts the first three throw an audio/video crew will scramble onto the court and get the proper lighting set up.  The player will be required to share their deep knowledge on race relations for a minimum of eight minutes.  The following phrases must be included before play can resume:

-Black lives matter

-We’re only paid a fraction of what we deserve

-I can’t breath

-America is primarily comprised of jive turkeys

–Friends didn’t have any black cast members

-Orange man bad

In the rare instance that a white player is awarded free throws, he will be required to listen and learn, as a player of color will attempt his free throws.  Shortly after this sequence, the white player will be fined $35,000 and dismissed from the league.   

League officials believe this will lengthen the average game by seven hours and would make the playoffs last until the fall of 2021.  However, the NBA is confident this is the right move. 

“Based on our assumptions, we believe that after a long day of work our fans want to turn on the game and listen to 22 year-olds teach them about race relations,” Adam Silver proudly said.  “Yes, we’ve heard that everyone hates this idea, but ESPN and TNT told us this was a great idea.  And those companies have big shiny buildings, so I’m pretty sure the networks know what they’re talking about.”