Chain Net Night has been added to the regular season as the NBA continues to search for sponsorship opportunities.  The special night, which was sponsored by Smirnoff Ice, debuted with the Clippers and Nuggets, each trying to score the ball through a rusty chain net.

“We wanted some more money—err, I mean, we wanted to bring a more playground feel to the game, and I think we accomplished that,” Adam Silver said following the game. 

But despite Silver’s satisfaction, outfitting the rims with jagged, metal nets is being met with mixed reviews.  As the final buzzer sounded, fourteen players were seriously injured, three had died, and 88% of all activity near the rim resulted in flesh wounds of some type (pre Second Spectrum).   

The Smirnoff sponsorship came in handy as team trainers eventually began pouring the vodka directly on wounds. 

At one point, Nuggets coach Mike Malone could be heard imploring Jamal Murray to attack the rim, but most of his players feared they would be attacked first.

“No, coach!  I’ll die!” Murray screamed back.

“Oh, you new age-players with your three-pointers.  And so dramatic too!” the coach shouted back.

“Ok, fine.  Maybe I’ll try a layup once they untangle Patrick Beverley from the net,” Murray hollered back.  

The media, many of whom now sported blood-speckled shirts, confronted the Commissioner on the massacre and asked if Chain Net Night would be abolished.  

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Silver said.  “But I do think we’ll have Houston participate next year as Rockets players are prohibited from coming within fifteen feet of the rim.”