Pacers’ director of accounting to double as small forward

On Monday, the Indiana Pacers coaching staff made their annual stroll through the corporate offices to see the new crop of talent.  Much to Pacers fans’ irritation, the tradition is the creative payroll savings strategy which forces office workers to also take up a roster spot.

Pushing office furniture aside, coach Nate Bjorkgren blew his whistle, prompting the employees to sprint across the building.  “Let’s go, ladies!  Especially you ladies from marketing!” he yelled.

Despite several office members coming from basketball schools like Duke and IU, Pacers scouts were again underwhelmed with the prospects.

“They can’t dunk, they can’t dribble.  I had high hopes for Donna in HR because I’d like to see Kawhi get around her screen, but she’s got the diabetes,” a scout said.  “We don’t want another Carol Peterson incident on our hands.”

Based on his ability to run and team doctors not convinced he would die immediately, it was director of accounting Kyle Heidelberger who the coaches selected.

Heidelberger, who is expected to compete for the starting small forward spot, will continue to run the billion-dollar franchise’s complicated finances.  But lately, his level of commitment is being questioned after holding Jimmy Butler to 92 points and failing to collect payment on some of the Pacers’ key sponsors.

“Heidelberger!  You need to ask yourself, do you really want to double as an accounting director and play small forward in this league?” the coach screamed at him during a film session.  

“I do not,” Kyle said softly weeping.

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